Sooo...

I kind of started a tumblr.

I also realized that this website is now the myspace of blogging.

I love the layout of tumblr, but it's going to take me a few days to figure out how everything works. I wish more of my friends blogged. I enjoy it. :)

See everyone on my new one!

Direction X

School:

These classes are so confusing... And there's so much to do in such little time. I cannot physically concentrate. I need to schedule an MIR or CAT scan with my doctor tomorrow, so they can determine just exactly what happened to my brain when I fell down the stairs. I'm also on two different kinds of meds, both of which make me extremely sleepy, hence the endless cans of Redbull in my recycling bin. :(

I'm at a cross-road. I want to stay in the UMaine system. I like it. But they do not offer Film Studies. I so wish they did. Anywhere I go to school it will have to be online. I despise online classes. They are not for me. I have no choice.

Living space:

Shannon and Dan are moving. To Rollinsford. They are going to sell their house.

I can either commute 45mins each way with tolls, or move to Barrington, Madbury, or Dover.

I do not like this. I bitched and moaned about how much I wanted to move, but I'm scared as fuck.

I don't want to leave Tom. And no, he is not my security blanket. I love him, and the living arrangement we have now is amazing. He won't come with me if I move. He knows he can't afford it. But you know what? Together we could.

I've asked Ashley to come with me. She's thinking about it. I know with both our incomes combined, we could live comfortably in a decent place. With Tom thrown in, we could live comfortably, and everyone would be happy. Well, at least the optimist in me is saying that.

I've missed you.

You have no idea how happy I am that you are coming back.

I know it's under sucky circumstances. But it also seems like a sign.

I love you. We both love you.

I don't know how to put it.

It was so nice to talk to you today...

&hearts.

Anyone Remember Gaia?

Yesterday, I re-discovered music. I can't believe it had been so long since I had listened to TBS, my Warped Tour CD (especially The Kung Fu Girls), and Hellogoodbye. I have to say though, as much as I like their music, I love TBS's lyrics more by ten-fold. There's something about seeing them written down, exposed almost, that makes me crave to read them. I have a fairly new musical obsession. They're called The Summer Set, and it's the first CD I've ever had that I like ALL of the songs on. That's pretty amazing for me.

Their song (featuring Dia Frampton),

Where Are You Now:

I've been staying awake in the front seat for days
Let the wheel turn and take me away
Oh, the truth I must tell
Is I'm lonely as hell
Still looking for myself

It rains all day when you're not around
And I'm trying my best to come clean with the clouds
They follow me around
I'll dance 'till the rain comes down

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me
'Cause where you are is where I wanna be now
Where are you now?

And I know I'm not perfect but what the hell
Do you think of me now?
Do you think of me now?

They say that love is for the patient
Gotta plan for being restless for now

Hope I'm more than a cheap trick you played on yourself
But I do it so well
Yeah, I'm doing so well

They follow me around
I'll dance 'till the rain comes down

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me
'Cause where you are is where I wanna be now
Where are you now?

But when I leave
She walks and she talks and she stirs my feet
Like she's sleeping next to me

It doesn't matter where we are
It doesn't matter where we are
It doesn't matter if we're states apart
She loves me

It's like a progression of jealousy.

First, I was jealous of your strength, and how my lack of it kept us from being together.

Then, I was jealous that you had a bond with someone that I had a whole other kind of bond with.

Then, I was jealous that you had my best friend, though it was only fair since technically I took away yours.

We're doing quite the dance.

You wouldn't want me. I have terrible mood swings once a month.

You wouldn't want him. He snores and grinds his teeth. :P

You do however, have her,and for all it's worth, I'm glad that she can be your constant.

I do the same thing.

P.S.- Do you highlight things as much as I do? ;)

I want to go to the beach. I feel like it would be peaceful right now.

Mayhaps you need to find a special someone to help you along as well, like the Walrus had.

We were only 15
I let her go like paper air planes
How can I explain
That I'm lost without you around

What if I never lost you
I wouldn't have to find you all over and over
(over and over)

When the wind blows, I'll still be here to catch you.

Rainbows in my heart

There's this song that Tom and I always duet together... I Miss You by Blink 182. But recently that song has been meant for another person, and I don't think Tom would mind, given the person at hand. I won't say your name, though I miss saying it. I really do. I used to get so excited just over your name, all the thoughts and mystery that came with it. I miss how articulate I used to be around you. How you used to bring out the writer in me. How you'd listen for hours on end to my thoughts, opinions, and babblings. How you loved me. How just being around you felt wrong and right at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I had been stronger. If I had stood up for myself like you did. We would have either ripped each other's throats out eventually, or lived in eternal bliss. I'm not unhappy with the way our love lives turned out, I just miss your friendship the most. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm crying right now, because I keep thinking of all the horrible things I said to you when you made your life choice. Yes, some of it was my honest opinion, but most of it was fueled by heart-break and jealousy. It seemed like just in the moment that I had come to terms with myself and the way I felt about you, you had come to terms with yourself in a whole different way. Found yourself in a way I could never fathom. I was so afraid that I had lost the old you, that I focused on all of the bad instead of the new good that could and did come from it. I remember one event when I practically tried to rip you apart over it, and still managed to end it with "Love ya". I guess I looked at it as a learning experience for the both of us. It's not that I didn't think you would last, it's that I didn't want you to, for my own selfish reasons. I still love you, to this day, and I won't deny that, but I have found someone who completes me in all the ways I could possibly need and want, and I love him with all my heart, save the small place I have tucked away for you. I tell everyone that the redhead was my first love. I lied.

Tulips

So, even though I'm in a lot of debt right now (not nearly as much as the average person my age, but a lot for me) I just have this feeling that from now on I can do things right, and I will find ways to pay things off, and to do it quickly. With my own money. It's just this amazing feeling I have.

I also filed my taxes... Ohh boy... Talk about a little debt... I owe them $1,100. So, I'm going to send monthly checks, and do the best I can to pay it off as quickly as possible. I'm also going to set up an account that I can't touch until tax time to put away a certain amount each week, so this can be avoided next year. :)

I also bought some seeds today, because Tom and I are planning on tending a garden this year. We got cucumbers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, green beans, watermelon, and I was planning on buying some potted tulips for my room, but Elf's won't have any until next week.

Schooling-- Uhg. I am kind of behind in some of my classes because I'm just not getting the material, and we didn't have power forever, so that put me behind as well. :(

Working-- The kids are growing up so fast... Both of their birthdays are next month, Aidan is turning five, and Zoe three. I can't wait until all this snow is gone and it warms up so we can have all sorts of warm-weather fun!

Health-- I went to the doctor's last week, and she told me I need to have surgery on a bump on my skull. I'm scared because I've never had surgery before, and they need to shave a chunk of my hair off to do it. :((

That's basically my thoughts for now in a nutshell... Off to do some homework! (Starting by closing the Facebook tab!)

Knowing?

I am so sick of you accusing me of being angry with you, over simple things that you mis-interpret. And then proceeding to get pissed off at me for trying to explain myself to you after you've yelled at me for being angry with you. Wtf is that? Why can't you just take my word that I'm not angry at you, and stop trying to read too far into simple things? If I tell you I'm not angry at you, I'm not effing angry at you. But it's going to make me upset if you keep telling me that I am angry at you, and then get mad and walk away because I'm telling you I'm not. WTF?

Join the Bandwagon

Dismissed for the norm

I can't handle your glory

I'm in my own form

I am not your life story

Gradually you will find

That yes, I have my own mind

Generation X

Is not your best

Forgotten times

Let us rewind

To when you treated me a that way

Okay, deny it

But I'll always fill in the rest

Unconditional love

Is what I feel for you

The times you twist

Are just minors I will rise above

We are standing on hard rocks now

They are not sharp, as they were before

But we still take careful steps

Will we forever dance on rocks

In constant fear of slipping

Oh look what we have done

Take a bow, take a bow

It's not very good, but I don't normally write about things that aren't love or anger, or set at this particular "group".

Move On, Please.

What is your point? I don't care for you anymore, and I haven't for almost two years now. What is the point of bringing me back to your outward thoughts every so often? Our friendship is gone. You have hurt and betrayed me too much. I am a forgiving person when it comes down to it. I may hold a grudge for a while, but ninety percent of the time I get over it and forgive. But not with you. I can't be friends with someone who I can't trust. Who would go behind my back every chance they got. I don't see the pleasure in your sick games and I never will. Hopefully, one day you will grow up and be a mature adult and learn how to function without manipulating the people around you. I truly hope this happens for you. Otherwise, you will never feel the joy and goodness of a real friendship on both sides. Using people as your puppets does not count as friendships. Just saying you are friends with someone, but talking badly and constantly behind their backs is not friendship. So like I said before, I hope you can grow up and learn to have good, wholesome relationships, and stop hurting everyone around you, even if they are oblivious to your ways.

Hello winter depression, I've been avoiding you.

I was doing... fine... until recently. I'm back to my insomniac spiraling drain called winter. You love winter... I've been trying to love it with you, because I'm in love with you. I've been in the Christmas spirit, until Christmas sucked. The pressure of it all... I think I totally bypassed it last year because it was my first. I avoided any and all stress by immersing myself in the general children's joy of it all. This year... Not so much. The money, the snippy comments, the unhappiness of others... It added up quickly. Then the actual day. It was probably the hardest. Dinner with his extended family... Having to bring a sandwich because I would not eat what his grandmother was serving. Most likely furthering the personal vendetta she has out for me. [Oh, Thanksgiving was a joy for this reason as well] Feeling... odd... I was the only veteran girlfriend/boyfriend this year... I miss Adam... :( We had this kind of bond last year on Christmas. Cause we were there, being apart of their family, together. This year I felt like the odd man out because I was the only one out of the three boyfriend/girlfriends brought who wasn't "new". And I love her, but every year there is something wrong, something that doesn't meet Ashley's standards. It sometimes gets to the point where you want to question whether she is 23 or 13.

I've just gotten to the point where I can't avoid my sadness any longer. I thought I could make it this season, but I guess I was wrong.

I would love to meet a fellow person around my age who is paying for college on their own. I'd love to hear how they cope with it. I'm starting to think I'm going to need to join a support group pretty soon. The only thing that I can be remotely proud of right now is that I haven't had a single thing that isn't all-natural or organic for a few months now. I used to have one day every week to two weeks that I would call my "preservative day", but since I watched Food Inc, it just pushed me to never have those again.

Tom and I have passed the two year mark... He says he's never been more in love, or happy. He now talks about our future a lot, and how we're going to spend it. And yet I sit here and still question. It is going to take me a while to trust him fully again, and he knows it. I'm not okay with some of the things he does, and he's not okay with some of the things I do. But we're working on it. But even with that going on, we've got this amazing comfortable vibe for each other. Guess if we didn't always have things going on, it would get a little on the monotone side.

I have this silly qualm with him... And I know it's really not a big deal, but it bothers me for some reason. He has never ever said anything about me or us as a couple on his facebook, other than his relationship status to me. He says it's because everyone who we know on facebook pretty much knows we're a couple and happy, so why should he tell everyone the important things in his life? He says that if the people are important enough to know the important things in his life, he's not going to tell them on facebook. However, I find nothing wrong with just saying "Hanging with my girl tonight!"Or anything along those lines. If he can constantly update about how much he doesn't want to study for Chemistry class, he can update on the fact that he's going on a date with his girlfriend. Just my stance on it. Feel free to input.

Megan