Sooo...

I kind of started a tumblr.

I also realized that this website is now the myspace of blogging.

I love the layout of tumblr, but it's going to take me a few days to figure out how everything works. I wish more of my friends blogged. I enjoy it. :)

See everyone on my new one!

Direction X

School:

These classes are so confusing... And there's so much to do in such little time. I cannot physically concentrate. I need to schedule an MIR or CAT scan with my doctor tomorrow, so they can determine just exactly what happened to my brain when I fell down the stairs. I'm also on two different kinds of meds, both of which make me extremely sleepy, hence the endless cans of Redbull in my recycling bin. :(

I'm at a cross-road. I want to stay in the UMaine system. I like it. But they do not offer Film Studies. I so wish they did. Anywhere I go to school it will have to be online. I despise online classes. They are not for me. I have no choice.

Living space:

Shannon and Dan are moving. To Rollinsford. They are going to sell their house.

I can either commute 45mins each way with tolls, or move to Barrington, Madbury, or Dover.

I do not like this. I bitched and moaned about how much I wanted to move, but I'm scared as fuck.

I don't want to leave Tom. And no, he is not my security blanket. I love him, and the living arrangement we have now is amazing. He won't come with me if I move. He knows he can't afford it. But you know what? Together we could.

I've asked Ashley to come with me. She's thinking about it. I know with both our incomes combined, we could live comfortably in a decent place. With Tom thrown in, we could live comfortably, and everyone would be happy. Well, at least the optimist in me is saying that.

I've missed you.

You have no idea how happy I am that you are coming back.

I know it's under sucky circumstances. But it also seems like a sign.

I love you. We both love you.

I don't know how to put it.

It was so nice to talk to you today...

&hearts.

Anyone Remember Gaia?

Yesterday, I re-discovered music. I can't believe it had been so long since I had listened to TBS, my Warped Tour CD (especially The Kung Fu Girls), and Hellogoodbye. I have to say though, as much as I like their music, I love TBS's lyrics more by ten-fold. There's something about seeing them written down, exposed almost, that makes me crave to read them. I have a fairly new musical obsession. They're called The Summer Set, and it's the first CD I've ever had that I like ALL of the songs on. That's pretty amazing for me.

Their song (featuring Dia Frampton),

Where Are You Now:

I've been staying awake in the front seat for days
Let the wheel turn and take me away
Oh, the truth I must tell
Is I'm lonely as hell
Still looking for myself

It rains all day when you're not around
And I'm trying my best to come clean with the clouds
They follow me around
I'll dance 'till the rain comes down

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me
'Cause where you are is where I wanna be now
Where are you now?

And I know I'm not perfect but what the hell
Do you think of me now?
Do you think of me now?

They say that love is for the patient
Gotta plan for being restless for now

Hope I'm more than a cheap trick you played on yourself
But I do it so well
Yeah, I'm doing so well

They follow me around
I'll dance 'till the rain comes down

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me
'Cause where you are is where I wanna be now
Where are you now?

But when I leave
She walks and she talks and she stirs my feet
Like she's sleeping next to me

It doesn't matter where we are
It doesn't matter where we are
It doesn't matter if we're states apart
She loves me

It's like a progression of jealousy.

First, I was jealous of your strength, and how my lack of it kept us from being together.

Then, I was jealous that you had a bond with someone that I had a whole other kind of bond with.

Then, I was jealous that you had my best friend, though it was only fair since technically I took away yours.

We're doing quite the dance.

You wouldn't want me. I have terrible mood swings once a month.

You wouldn't want him. He snores and grinds his teeth. :P

You do however, have her,and for all it's worth, I'm glad that she can be your constant.

I do the same thing.

P.S.- Do you highlight things as much as I do? ;)

I want to go to the beach. I feel like it would be peaceful right now.

Mayhaps you need to find a special someone to help you along as well, like the Walrus had.

We were only 15
I let her go like paper air planes
How can I explain
That I'm lost without you around

What if I never lost you
I wouldn't have to find you all over and over
(over and over)

When the wind blows, I'll still be here to catch you.

Rainbows in my heart

There's this song that Tom and I always duet together... I Miss You by Blink 182. But recently that song has been meant for another person, and I don't think Tom would mind, given the person at hand. I won't say your name, though I miss saying it. I really do. I used to get so excited just over your name, all the thoughts and mystery that came with it. I miss how articulate I used to be around you. How you used to bring out the writer in me. How you'd listen for hours on end to my thoughts, opinions, and babblings. How you loved me. How just being around you felt wrong and right at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I had been stronger. If I had stood up for myself like you did. We would have either ripped each other's throats out eventually, or lived in eternal bliss. I'm not unhappy with the way our love lives turned out, I just miss your friendship the most. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm crying right now, because I keep thinking of all the horrible things I said to you when you made your life choice. Yes, some of it was my honest opinion, but most of it was fueled by heart-break and jealousy. It seemed like just in the moment that I had come to terms with myself and the way I felt about you, you had come to terms with yourself in a whole different way. Found yourself in a way I could never fathom. I was so afraid that I had lost the old you, that I focused on all of the bad instead of the new good that could and did come from it. I remember one event when I practically tried to rip you apart over it, and still managed to end it with "Love ya". I guess I looked at it as a learning experience for the both of us. It's not that I didn't think you would last, it's that I didn't want you to, for my own selfish reasons. I still love you, to this day, and I won't deny that, but I have found someone who completes me in all the ways I could possibly need and want, and I love him with all my heart, save the small place I have tucked away for you. I tell everyone that the redhead was my first love. I lied.